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If you will recall, I had been communicating for a few weeks with Mrs. Rebecca Paulson, the hospitalized lonely widow industrialist who reached out to me for help in claiming her huge cash deposit of five million dollars. The  next step was to contact the bank and get the ball rolling. So I did. Here’s Part Two of my two-part Nigerian Email Scam series. (It’s a short series.)grandma-meme-nigerian-prince

Subject: Why Silent !!!

Dear Jill,

How are you my dear, it’s been a while i heard from you, hope you are alright…well i just mail to know if you are still with me in accomplish my mission because it’s been a while i heard from you and i will want to know if you have sent an email to the bank because i do receive an email from them and they do tell me that they’ve not heard from you. I will appreciate your response to my email.
God bless you

Regards,
Mrs Rebecca Paulson

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Subject: RE: Why Silent !!! 

Hello Mrs. Paulson!

I am so glad to hear from you! I have been worrying that I may never hear from you again! How are you feeling? Are you still in hospital or have you been able to move home to convalesce with your children and your nurse?

I am sorry that I haven’t written the bank sooner. I was busy having a few abortions. Pesky abortions! But that is all taken care of now and I have emailed the bank this very morning. I will wait for there reply.

Please let me know how you are doing.

Love,
Jill

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Subject: Re: Re: Why Silent !!!

Hello Jill,

Greetings to you in the name of the Lord my dearest one, how are you and the entire people around you….I’m very happy to read your mail that you have already contacted the bank and i will want you to response to them as soon as they get in touch with you.

I will anxiously be waiting to read your mail.

God bless you

Regards,
Mrs Rebecca Paulson

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Subject: A Friend of Mrs. Rebecca Paulson

Hello,

I am looking for Dr. Reginald Ihejiahi who is the Director of Fidelity Bank. I was told to contact him by Mrs. Rebecca Paulson in order to help obtain her money so that she may give alms. She is currently very ill and covered in tubes and wires and therefore cannot contact you herself. Though she can contact me… which is strange. But I think we may have a special bond, not unlike E.T. and Elliot. Have you ever seen the movie E.T.? It’s about a little boy who discovers an alien hiding in his backyard shed. He rolls a ball into this shed and E.T. the Extra Terrestrial rolls it back, and Elliot is all WTF LOL? And then he lures him into his house by leaving a trail of Reese’s Pieces candies (Do you know what those are? They are delicious.) to his bedroom. Then he and Eliot become best friends and his little sister Gertie teaches him to talk, but then the FBI discovers him and turns their house into a big plastic-wrapped science center, and E.T. and Elliot both are real sick, but Elliot gets better while E.T. gets worse, and Elliot is all, “E.T., stay with me, please!” and E.T. is all “Stay, Elliott, stay, stay, stay.” and they separate and E.T. dies, but not really. Oh my god it is SO sad. But really, really good. I don’t want to ruin the ending for you if you haven’t seen it  yet. Anyway, I’m not saying me and Rebecca Paulson are like THAT, but I do empathize with her and want to help her if possible.

So, what do I have to do to help her?

Also, I think that it’s really great that as a major financial firm you have a yahoo AND a gmail account. That really makes me feel like I can trust you. You’re not uppity, like those other banks what with their professional bank account names and email addresses. Maybe one day we can g-chat.

Thank you,
Jill

———————————————

Subject: ATTENTION: THE BENEFICIARY: JILL XXXX

FIDELITY BANK NIGERIA PIC
WE KEEP OUR WORD

No 2, Kofo Abayomi Street,
Vitoria Island, Lagos.

From The Desk Of Mr. Reginald Ihejiahi
Managing Director Fidelity Bank Plc
Direct line: +234-708-029-XXXX

ATTENTION: JILL XXXX,

We acknowledge the receipt of your message Dated 1ST OCTOBER 2012 concerning Mrs Rebecca Paulson funds and we are very sorry for her about her condition and we also glad to read from you and finally have someone coming out as a next of kin to Mrs.. Rebecca Paulson. Be informed that we are also careful concerning you contacting us, and claiming a fund that is huge.

So we will go ahead and do everything we have to officially and have the confirmation letter sent to you and your response will be needed as soon as possible and have funds released to you as requested.

Be informed that Mrs. Rebecca Paulson worked and transacted with us for so many years and you will need to present us with the information below so that we will have your information in our company central database system.

1) NAME…………..
2) AGE……………..
3) SEX……………..
4) OCCUPATION…….
5) PHONE NUMBER…
6) RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS…..
7) MEANS OF ID e.g Copy of driver’s license or international passport…………
8) Scan Copy of Certificate of deposit………

We will get back to you as regards to the release of the funds to you as the new beneficiary owner of it and next of kin to Mrs Rebecca Paulson.

We are anticipating your honorable response.

Thanks for your understanding.

REGARDS

FROM: Mr. Reginald Ihejiahi
MANAGING DIRECTOR:
FIDELITY BANK PLC.

———————————————–

Subject: Re: ATTENTION: THE BENEFICIARY: JILL XXXX

What up, Director Ihejiahi,

Just wanted to clarify that I’m not the next of kin of Mrs. Paulson. I’m just a complete stranger she randomly contacted via the internet and wants to give me control of all of her money. She wants me to give it to charity. I want you to know that I am planning on tricking her and keeping all of this money. I am going to spend it on superficial things only for myself, like expensive shoes, jewelry, bras, and jewel-encrusted shoes and bras. Don’t tell her, ok?

Is this still ok?

Love,
Jill

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Subject: Re: Re: ATTENTION: THE BENEFICIARY: JILL XXXX

FIDELITY BANK NIGERIA PIC
WE KEEP OUR WORD

No 2,Kofo Abayomi Street,
Vitoria Island, Lagos.

From The Desk Of Mr. Reginald Ihejiahi
Managing Director Fidelity Bank Plc
Direct line: +234-708-029-XXXX

ATTENTION: JILL XXXX,

We acknowledge the receipt of your message Dated 8TH OCTOBER 2012 concerning Mrs Rebecca Paulson funds.As you stated in your mail does not really matters to me since she was the one who directed you to us and we will go ahead and do everything we have to officially and have the confirmation letter sent to you and your response will be needed as soon as possible and have funds released to you as requested.

You will need to present us with the information below so that we will have your information in our company central database system.

1) NAME…………..
2) AGE……………..
3) SEX……………..
4) OCCUPATION…….
5) PHONE NUMBER…
6) RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS…..
7) MEANS OF ID e.g Copy of driver’s license or international passport…………
8) Scan Copy of Certificate of deposit………

We will get back to you as regards to the release of the funds to you as the new owner of it.

We are anticipating your honorable response.

Thanks for your understanding.

REGARDS

FROM: Mr. Reginald Ihejiahi
MANAGING DIRECTOR:
FIDELITY BANK PLC.

————————————————-

Subject: Re: Re: Re: ATTENTION: THE BENEFICIARY: JILL XXXX

Dear Director Ihejiahi,

Thank you for your email. I am very glad that you don’t care at all about the well-being of your clients. You Nigerian banks sound a lot like our US banks! See? We really are just One International Family. :) How did Mrs. Rebecca Paulson of England come to bank with the Fidelity Bank of Nigeria, anyway? Oh wait, who cares! Right?! HA HA HA, that was a good one.

Here is my information:

Name: Jill
Age: Old enough to know better, young enough not to care! Ha ha, that’s just a little joke to brighten your day. 34
Sex: Yes, please! Just kidding, that’s another joke. Female.
Occupation: Steelworker
Phone number: 588-2300 (EMPIRE)
Address: 702 Southwest 8th Street, Bentonville, AR 72712*  
(*Walmart’s corporate headquarters)

Copy of Driver’s License: Please see attached copy
Copy of Certificate of Deposit: Please see attached copy

Love,
JillODBCertificate——————————————————————————

Subject: CONFIRMATION !!! FUND RELEASE NOTIFICATION:
5 MILLION US DOLLARS

FIDELITY BANK NIGERIA PIC
WE KEEP OUR WORD

No 2, Kofo Abayomi Street,
Vitoria Island, Lagos.

From The Desk Of Mr. Reginald Ihejiahi
Managing Director Fidelity Bank Plc
Direct line: +234-708-029-XXXX

ATTN : JILL XXXX,

We acknowledge the receipt of letter dated 11th of  October 2012 and it is well noted and understood. We will like to Congratulate you and let you know that the required transfer code for the funds has been released by our affiliated bank in your name and we have verified your payment file as directed to us and your name is next on the list of our outstanding fund beneficiaries to receive their payment and we made full confirmation of it and it is complete and  It is our modest obligation to write you this letter as regards the authorization of your payment through our most respected financial institution FIDELITY BANK PLC (WE KEEP OUR WORDS).

We will like to let you know that the account is dormant which you will need to Re-activate it before any transaction can be done on it.

Take note that the funds is now laying down in our Bank and we have been instructed by the World Governing Bodies together with the Committee on International Debt and the Board of Foreign Security, Inheritance and Contract Review Panel to release your due funds with immediate effect with this exclusive Vide Transaction No.: WHA/EUR/202 and Transfer Allocation No.:FBN/X44/701LN/WGB/GB, Password: 339331, Pin Code: 78569, Certificate of Merit No: 104, Release Code No: 0876; Immediate Fidelity Bank Telex Confirmation No: -222568; Secret Code: XXTN014.

Having received these vital payment numbers, you are instantly qualified to receive and confirm your payment with the designated bank immediately within the next 72 hours after your payment must have been received.

We are expecting you to carry on with the transaction for us to make the payment to your designated bank as soon as possible.

The final step of having the funds delivered to you is by activating the dormant account and give us the full details of the bank which the money will be transferred.

For the activation of the account you will be needing to pay for the following as soon as possible, so that the account can be re-activated and the funds can be transferred to you within the 72 hours prior to when your payment is received.

ACCOUNT ACTIVATION FEE**** $340

INSURANCE FEE************ $365

TOTAL COST*************** $705 (US dollar)

You are hereby advised to make the payment of the fee  to our company secretary via western union OR money gram without further delay and the account will be activated and the money will be transferred to your designated bank within the next 72 Banking Hours.

Receiver’s information is stated bellow.

NAME………………… BABATUNDE MICHAEL

CITY/COUNTRY………….LAGOS NIGERIA

ZIP CODE……………..01234

QUESTION……………..COLOR OF CAR

ANSWER……………….BLUE

You will present us with all the information you use in sending, including the MTCN number and give us the full details of your bank as stated below and transaction will be completed.

1) YOUR BANK NAME AND ADDRESS:
2) YOUR ACCOUNT NAME:
3) YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER:
4) YOUR ROUTING/ABA NUMBER:
5) YOUR BANK’S IBAN/SWIFT CODE:

As soon as we receive the above mentioned information, your payment will be processed and released to you without any further delay.

Be also informed that you are not allowed to correspond with any other person(s) or office any longer so as to avoid conflict of information, you are required to provide the above information for your transfer to take place through Bank to Bank Remittance directly from Fidelity Bank (WE KEEP OUR WORD).

Your prompt response to the above directive is highly imperative.

FROM: Mr. Reginald Ihejiahi
MANAGING DIRECTOR:
FIDELITY BANK PLC.

————————————————-

Subject: Re: CONFIRMATION !!! FUND RELEASE NOTIFICATION:
5 MILLION US DOLLARS 

Dear Fake Nigerian E-mail Scam Artists,

Can you clarify if you would like $705 is in USD or British Pounds or Nigerian Nairas?

Actually, nevermind. Because I’m not giving you anything you worthless pieces of shits. Dude, I sent you a photo of Old Dirty Bastard’s “Return to the 36 Chambers” album cover as my photo identification. Do you know who Old Dirty Bastard was? He was a mediocre but charismatic member of The Wu-Tang Clan! He went on to moderate success as a solo artist only to succumb to an unnecessarily tragic death in 2004! He is dead! That’s not really me in the driver’s license photo! It’s a dead rapper! Do you give so little a fuck that you can’t even address this? At the very least, the button-pushing diarrhea squirt of a fucktard who is in charge or responding to these emails could have realized that this isn’t going to go anywhere with this particular would-be victim and not respond at all. At the very least, you’re little endeavor could be more efficient. I HATE INEFFICIENCY. And you use too many exclamation points.

If Mrs. Rebecca Paulson ever found out that you guys are complete scam artists, it would break her weak little British heart. You better hope she never finds out.

I hope you all get major infectious Nigerian diseases and die slow deaths.

Fuck off forever,
Jill

Images courtesy of quickmeme.com/Grandma-finds-the-Internet, “Mrs. Rebecca Paulson,” and wikipedia/Return_to_the_36_Chambers:_The_Dirty_Version.