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And now for something completely different — nothing to do with New York. I started this post long ago and have let it sit for longer than I care to admit, waiting. I ran it by a few friends, worried. I stared at it for about an hour before hitting publish.
I’m entering murky territory, you see. But before we get to the meat-and-potatoes, I want to make a few things clear about this particular post:
- It is in no way meant to denigrate the many awesome sons out there, and the wonderful parents raising those sons.
- It assumes that sex and gender are separate from one another.
- It doesn’t touch on the world of transchildren, where being cisgendered is not a given and where the two-sex model falls short.
Boy or girl? Doesn't matter. By the time it's a teenager, your destruction will be imminent.
I’m not a parent.
I’m beginning with this caveat so we can get the obvious out of the way and move forward amicably. Because I’m about to express an opinion on parenting, even though I’m not one. Non-parents expressing opinions about child rearing can put parents’ shorts in a bunch; you’re not supposed to do that. And while that type of thinking is an ad hominem logical fallacy, just bear with me and I promise that if you’re still angry with me after you’re finished reading, we can work it out over an Orange Mocha Frappuccino.
I’m at that age where most of my friends are either pregnant, already have small children, or are working on their second or third. I myself have thirteen nieces and nephews, and even more children of friends that I consider family. So lots of children, everywhere, all the time. Up with people!
But there’s a trend I’ve noticed lately that gets me as teary as that scene in Neverending Story when Artax drowns in the Swamp of Sadness. (You remember the one: the mournful-looking horse, his white body slipping inch by inch into the muddy water, as Atreyu struggles in vain to save his equine friend… excuse me a minute.) I say this is a “trend” because it’s happened a few times among my friends, and I’ve heard acquaintances describe this phenomenon, too. Each time I hear it, another wrinkle forms in my brain.
It’s this: when pregnant women – smart, funny, fierce women I respect – say they don’t want daughters. Some even take to their Facebook pages to rejoice, at approximately 20 weeks, when they find out it’s a boy instead of a girl – or, in the case of one person I know, updates her status to complain specifically about the disappointment of having a girl.
I find these women fall into two camps:
#1: “I don’t want a daughter because girls are harder to raise than boys.” Variations on this: “Girls are so moody and dramatic” or “Girls are manipulative and dangerous” or “Girls are easy when they’re young but watch out when they’re teenagers! Hoo boy!” or the ironic “Girls are too girly. I just can’t get into that stuff.” I cannot explain these women. I’m sorry. The best I can figure is that they dislike themselves, their sister, their mother, or someone else with a vagina, based on past experience, and the thought of producing another creature of the female variety makes their brain short and they say stupid things like, “Girls are just, I don’t know, harder on you emotionally.” They assign qualities of Disney villainess proportions – jealousy, anger, cunning, ability to talk to mirrors – to all female children. Because no male child has ever had these traits. Ever. Because children, little id blobs that they are, only grow to the complexity that the genitals between their legs allow, and no amount of guidance or learning will alter that inexorable course from the moment you know it’s pink or blue. Right?
Really, you should pity these women. Show them kindness. Love them. But do not try to change them; you will not be able to reason with them. Back the hell away. ABORT MISSION. There’s nothing you can do about it. Not one thing. Let’s hope she comes to her senses one day; maybe after her children have moved away and she starts wearing loose pants from Chico’s and likes chardonnay and goes on yoga retreats, it will dawn on her that all human beings run a gamut of personality traits and yes, she can admit now that her beloved son was a godawful moody kid.
The point is: you shouldn’t wait for this to happen.
#2: “I don’t want a girl because the world is harder for girls.” Surprise! It is! But when we’re not dodging rapists or avoiding math and science, we do like to have some fun (I mean, fun we can afford; our paychecks are only 78% of our male counterparts’ checks). This is the camp that most of my friends agree is a more reasonable one – after all, it is The Truth. It’s hard out there for an XX. When women say this, it usually comes from a place of personal experience, and their hope is to avoid being part of a process that inflicts more pain on another human being – that is, giving birth to a girl. I can understand that.
But it’s still problematic. Because when women pull out this old chestnut, they are not only saying that if they could, they would choose not to increase the female population, but that they would rather participate in the status quo because it’s simpler. Let me rephrase: they would rather have a boy because they are complicit in the fact that being a male in our society is easier than being a woman – and, by having a boy, they have no intention of changing this. By having a boy, they can breathe easier. This is why women fret over the safety of their future daughters, but not over whether their future sons will be rapists or serial killers. (And if you have had such a worry, I salute you.) By this argument, we worry about having a victim, but don’t change the structure that produces the victimizers. So however sensitive and charitable this latter argument sounds, it is simply neither of those things.
Sex preference of any kind seems problematic because the reasons behind it fall short. After all, when parents wish for a specific sex, what are they really saying – that they’re hoping for a collection of personality traits? That they’re hoping to have their gender expectations fulfilled? How are they thus limiting their future child? I appreciate that people want to create the families they want. Sometimes, this includes yearning for one specific sex over the other, the result of a long line of societal conditioning about what it means to be “girl” or “boy.” We’ve all been trained well.
But not wanting a specific sex is even more problematic. Why? Because in a bona fide patriarchy — where rape and assault statistics are too high; where sexism runs rampant across all institutions and in media; where sex trafficking and genital mutilation still exist; where we struggle with the wage gap and lackluster maternity leave; where body autonomy and sexual reproduction rights are constantly under fire; and where women fight for basic education and literacy across the world — when you hope you don’t have a daughter, you are one more voice joining millions of others in silencing women.
If you’re one of those people who says she doesn’t want a daughter – I ask you: check your heart. Then hug yourself. And really think about it some more.
May I treat you to an Orange Mocha Frappuccino?
Love this post! I especially like the point about women who don’t worry about their sons being part of the problem. You don’t tend to hear much about teaching how not to victimize, as well as how not to be a victim, and it is clearly just as important.
Thank you! And thank you for holding my hand before it went up.
This is a great post! My mom always said she wanted boys because they are less expensive in the long run (less clothing to buy, that sort of thing) – but at the same time, she was happy to have two girls, one of whom excelled in math and science – so we like to think we shook up the status quo just a wee bit.
Thanks, L.! Rock on with your bad self (and your mama too!).
Being pregnant, and heading over for my 20-week ultrasound tomorrow, this is a topic that I’ve thought a lot about. Because I want a girl. And I feel worried that if my baby is a boy that I’m doing him a disservice by wanting a girl. And I think, why do I want a girl over a boy anyway? I have this perception that boys are messier and muddier and louder and wilder, and some boys are that way, but not all. And not all girls are going to be quiet little readers happily playing by themselves the way I (mostly) was as a kid. Mostly I just want my child to be healthy, and working for a medical publisher and knowing some of the details of the things that can go wrong, saying that means more to me than it may for some people. I really just want a healthy kid, with healthy genitalia of whatever type. And a girl would be pretty awesome, but so would a boy. Because I am going to buy it trucks and tiaras and read to it incessantly and try to raise it to be a thoughtful conscientious human no matter kind of genitals it has.
I felt the same way with my first (wanting a girl) until I realized that that was mostly due to fear over whether I’d be able to really relate to a boy. Turns out it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. And I hear you on the healthy child thing – that was all I wanted to hear at my ultrasound this time (last time, there was some doubt, though it ended up being fine).
Anyway, lots of luck at your ultrasound tomorrow! Can’t wait to hear what you’re having either way – if you decide to share the info, that is
“Because I am going to buy it trucks and tiaras and read to it incessantly and try to raise it to be a thoughtful conscientious human no matter kind of genitals it has.”
I think that’s the best any parent can do, right there. One person I know described how she felt about her baby’s sex this way: “What’s between the ears is more important to me than what’s between the legs.” I thought that summed it up beautifully.
Good luck tomorrow with the ultrasound!
My Aunt who had only girls would say that boys are easier. A friend of the family who had only boys would say that girls are easier. My mother and her sisters who had about half and half just would laugh and say that it seem to be pretty even on who was or was not easier.
There is no such thing as a child being easier because of the sex. It is the personality and upbringing of the children that matter the most. Personality you can not help except to get them to a professional fast if they are suffering from extreme (either depression or poor anger management skills) to help them learn coping devices to deal with life without turning to undesirable answers.
As for upbringing, you reap what you sow, so train they early in how you expect them to act. It will be hard to reinforce the lesson over and over as they grow but the teen years will be a lot easier if you lay down the law when they are still believing that you are the “one who knows all” parent.
I read this article at Jezebel and I just had to say it was excellent – thanks!
Thank you, Lisa! Glad you liked it.
I was the opposite. I was terrified of having boys, and I have two lovely girls, for whom I’m very grateful. Why did I want girls? Well, ’cause *I’m* a girl. A baby, child, teenager, is foreign country enough for me without it being a different gender. My girls are fierce warrior women and they astound me daily.
Definitely get that, too, Marguerite. Your girls sound awesome!
I have daughters, after two sons. They are more moody, they’re more dramatic, they’re harder in a sense. But they are so much more than that. My fear for my daughters makes me feel guilt. When I had the first one, I would not have imagined the state of the political climate in which we live. We, meaning my family. I wanted daughters, though I would joke after finding out I was pregnant with the boys each time that I wouldn’t know what to do with a girl, etc… It was a defense mechanism, I didn’t have a crystal ball to see the two beauties that came after, I was a bit sad!
I can’t imagine my life without the richness that all of my children bring to our table, every one of them are different individuals who bring their own difficulties and joys to our lives. It is always easy to say, “Oh boys are so much easier than girls!” and in some ways they seriously are more simple. In truth, I think it’s that we worry less about boys, especially as teenagers. Haven’t we all heard the joke of the father who sits on the front porch cleaning his rifle to prevent those naughty boys from mistreating his baby girl? I guess we’ll see how it pans out in a few years, I can’t see that far from here, maybe my girls will be darling little angel teens!
Right now, the best thing I can do for my daughters is to teach my sons not to be like the men who are trying their best to put my girls back into the 19th century.
I think you’re right that everyone’s an individual with their own difficulties and joys. That is both the best and worst part of being a parent – trying to navigate those differences in personality and how things change. Anyway, I also totally agree with your last comment. I will try to do that for my sons as well.
This is a great post. My confession is, I wanted daughters. Maybe it’s the feminist in me, maybe it was selfish, who knows – all that concern with sex and gender disappeared when I had a baby with special needs. Later on, I had another daughter who eventually was diagnosed with a disability as well. I *might* have said, “I don’t want a child with a disability”, but things turned out differently. What did I do? I set out to do my small, teeny part in making this world better for them and other with disabilities, along with doing my best as a parent to give ambitions, dreams, abilities, and whatever else they – just being a good parent.
And as far as sex/gender? They are girly girl and tomboyish. They play with dolls and balls and Transformers and glittery glue and dig up the back yard and dress up, they love Star Wars, space shows, dinosaurs, dancing, playing in the kitchen…have I run out of gender-targeted play yet? They play how they want, and they’re learning to take the world by storm, disabled or not. So. There.
Your girls sound so fun! That description is part of why I thought I wanted daughters too initially – you can do the girly stuff and the tomboy stuff and have the best of both worlds.
I LOVE this. I’m a mom of two girls. I also love little boys, but God blessed us with two curly haired girls. And that’s our family. I have heard more often than I care to admit about how my husband must be disappointed we never had a son, how we should ‘try for a boy’ and about how hard their teenage years will be. It always makes me sad to realize that others see our ‘situation’ as a curse rather than a blessing. Thank you for putting a new spin on this old conversation.
Funny… I have never heard of women like the ones you mention in your post. But I have heard plenty of women express hope that they’ll have a girl or be disappointed when they find out that they’re having a boy instead. Also, as a mother of a son, I have seen firsthand how babysitters, nannies, daycare workers and teachers subtly discriminate against boys and tend to favour girls. And don’t even get me started on the lack of adorable boy clothing — why is it that often when I walk into a kids clothing store, 2/3rds to 3/4ths of the merchandise is designed for girls and one measly corner is dedicated to the boys?
Women who don’t want daughters? They must the exception that proves the rule!
I also know a few women who were worried when they found out they were having boys, but it was because they didn’t know how they’d relate to a little boy. (Confession: before I had my son, I too was concerned about how this would work out.) Turns out, you relate to them as regular little people, and it works fine! I’m sorry to hear you’ve seen your son discriminated against – I have been lucky enough not to experience that, at least so far.
And I totally hear you on the boys’ clothing – so much of it is terrible! All dogs and skulls and dinosaurs and cars. When I want something more fun/unusual, I have to go to Threadless or Etsy.
I have a girl and I am delighted to have her. She is fabulous, fun, kind, creative, cheeky, hilarious and full of energy. I have a dim memory that I wanted a boy when I was pregnant, I think mostly for my Dad who would love a grandson after 4 daughters and two older grand-daughters. I don’t feel the kind of fear discussed above for her: my biggest anxiety for her (and her generation) is climate change / unsustainability of our lifestyle.
girlwriteswhat of youtube made a wonderful reply to this, and I suggest you see it.
This is amazing! I want a girl more than anything in the world! GREAT post!
“#2: “I don’t want a girl because the world is harder for girls.”” Is that why the male suicide rate is over triple that of women. Men are by far the majority victims of violent crime and any unbiased investigation of the gender pay gap will tell you that, nowadays, the difference is caused by women’s own life choices and not by discrimination by employers.
I think point #2 should read “I don’t want a girl because the media incorrectly leads me to think the world is harder for girls when that is far from the actual case.”
I have a daughter. I wanted a daughter. I didn’t want a boy- but for a possibly silly reason. My husband has 2 sons already. I wanted to get as much “special” out of the birth as possible since I have had almost NONE of my husband’s firsts. It bothered me that my first kid was his 3rd.
I remember telling him that if it was a son, we had to get over the negative “it isn’t a girl” feelings as soon as possible so he would feel as loved as any baby deserves.
Maybe it was messed up, but I like to think that had I had a boy, everything would have been fine after the initial disappointment in not getting MY way. Because that’s all it was, really. What I WANTED not some idea about what boys or girls are.
I have given my daughter every oppertunity to be her and not what socity thinks she should be. She loves trucks and pink. She likes to be called princess while she pretends to be a ninja and beat up her older brothers- my daughter rocks!
I am pregnant again, and I don’t care at all what gender they are. Looking forward to applying the baby lessons I learned with my daughter and doing an even better job than before.
As a man (2 daughters), I was looking forward to having girls partly because I thought their life would be easier. I won’t get into all my reasons for this, but the basic premise is that over the last 40 years, the world has become more difficult for the average man and the problems of men are not really listened to by society.
I suppose it’s all about your perspective. In fairness, challenges and opportunities abound for both men and women.
I have to admit, when I was pregnant, I was one of those women who really wanted a boy. I wasn’t one of those lucky women who found out at 20 weeks what she was having. In fact, I was more like beyond 20 weeks when they started to lean more toward girl because my daughter was infinitely stubborn and refused to turn to a position where they could definitively see one way or the other. Once she was born I was so happy and relieved that I had had a girl that I couldn’t believe I had wanted a boy instead. My daughter will be twelve in a couple months and yes, she is moody and difficult, but I’m glad she’s my girl.
In contrast, my sister has one of each, and her boy is the sensitive, moody one and her girl is the rough & tumble one who likes to play in the dirt. I think it doesn’t matter what you want when you’re pregnant, as long as you embrace what you end up with. And in all honesty, when you’re pregnant – at least the first time – it’s all theoretical anyway. You only know what you’ve heard and read. It’s not until you’re a 24/7 parent that you can offer any kind of educated opinion on which is easier, etc.
Are all New York women nasty cunts like this article’s author? She obviously hates men.
Yes. So you should probably never, ever come here.
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